Band of Shepherds

God has put on my heart over the last couple of months to take a strong look at the ‘remnant of Edom’ noted in several areas of scripture (Nahum, Obadiah, and Amos & the trial of Paul in Acts 24). I feel boldly there’s something here but I certainly and humbly know that I’m not perfect so my hope is to bring some context to what I’m discerning and pray this message will reach the right audience to bring some spiritual light to the darkness!

A quick study shows the ‘remnant of Edom’ is in reference to Esau, the twin brother of Jacob, son of Issac and Rebecca, grandson of Abraham and Sarah. A ton of online commentary points to some bloodline or racial origin of Easu as the bad seed vs. God’s chosen ones. This quite frankly makes my own blood boil. Jesus Christ laid down his life so we could have ours – HE PURIFIED OUR BLOOD – ALL PEOPLES!!! Our bloodline, race, mistakes, shames, sufferings are ALL covered and washed clean by the blood of Jesus. 

OK, with that out of the way, I believe Edom/Esau represents a spiritual darkness operating in the world today. Very similar to the Jezebel spirit and connected. One of the many manifested spiritual forces of narcissism.

To me, this spiritual Edom influence is behind the toxic masculine energy of the “hunt”. The desire to compete, win, control and dominate. Esau was the hunter in his family. His envy of his brother led him to want to kill him. This spiritual influence I believe is somehow connected to the violence in TV/video games and the obsession with sex as a power symbol – pornography in particular as a huge open door to darkness.

Personally, pornography terrifies me. My deep wounds from childhood sexual abuse just didn’t make it something I could stomach. On the flip-side, there is escaping to pornography to heal. Interestingly, the breakdown of my marriage was largely propagated by the porn & sex addiction of my now ex-husband. The “irony” in it all is that most of his videos were of anal penetration and this was the way I was sexually abused at the age of 6. Coincidental? Nope. We subconsciously attract others who harbor our deepest wounds …perhaps God’s way to try and heal us from the past.

This is how the narcissist/empath attract each other. Same wounds, opposite outcome. The narcissist is your mirror, your opposite. Both toxic behaviors that God hopes to heal in us.

Bringing darkness to light will change us. Jesus will heal if we allow him. It is not a myth that 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 12 boys will be sexually abused by the time they turn 18. Very sad, and very real. But most people just can’t handle talking about it so we go about our lives carrying these burdens subconsciously which creates suffering. Perhaps when God opens your eyes & ears, gives you wisdom beyond understanding, you’ll see….

But most of us keep things surface level. We pray for one another. We keep our lives as cushy as possible. We believe we’re good people. But even Jacob, God’s chosen one, had to succumb to his own malevolence and needed forgiveness from the Father when his greed led him to take Esau’s birthright.

LOVE ME he says and keep my commandments ~ “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” ~John 14:15. Loving him is the prerequisite. It’s how we can actually follow his commandants. Sanctification is a life-long process and true repentance changes the heart. Could this spiritual Esau be the temporal, theological, even legalistic presence in today’s church vs. the true Holy Spirit guidance and indwelling in a what we call a ‘born-again believer’?

I’ve think I’ve experienced and felt this type of spiritual Easu in some of these ways:

• Concerned with the “now” – difficulty exhibiting true patience and ability to wait on the Lord to reap at harvest time
• Procrastination to stay ‘in control of their destiny’ – avoidance behavior
• An appearance of repentance but largely rooted in self-pride, a victim mentality vs. taking responsibility for own sin
• The expression of ‘truth in love’ is often aggressive (deflecting, blaming, justifying or ‘one-upping’) or passive aggressive (stonewalling, apology feels fake, forgetfulness as a means to hurt the other, withholding information/affection/communication). 
• Remains stuck in bitterness from life’s hardships & betrayals – still haven’t fully forgiven their betrayers which has kept their hearts hard and consumed by self-pity and bitterness.

Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!!! To God be the GLORY!!! XOXO 🙂

Reconditioning your mind and healing your soul after narcissistic abuse is an incredible journey. It’s not easy. In fact, the awaking is so very painful.

Living your life brainwashed to meet the needs of others is often a childhood learned response/response to the fear you’ve held from long ago. Psychologists are more and more researching the effect of childhood trauma on our relationships.

I’ve found as a spiritually sensitive person that I’m easily manipulated when triggered by fear. This was conditioned in a way from my childhood but also I believe that the depth of feeling in us sensitives makes it hard to feel or be understood by others and this can be especially with our family of origin (a great book recommendation on this subject is The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller).

When my thoughts start to overwhelm me and I go in a thousand different directions, it’s a reminder to say STOP and to bring myself back into my body and out of my mind. I had to learn this. I didn’t cry for wrongdoings done to me for over 10 years. I am 35 years old. Cutting off feeling was easier to survive and is what our body naturally does when faced with trauma. We can naturally ‘leave our body’ (clinical term is to disassociate) in order to bear the abuse as a defense mechanism and live in a state of cognitive dissonance.

I’ve learned when triggered that most things in life do not require an immediate response. Put the phone down – you don’t have to respond right away. Move away from researching ‘why does my ex narc do X, Y, Z?’. While education and reading to understand the pathology of unhealthy narcissism is critical, the more we can take a be still, call on God, feel, and trust the answer He gives us, I’ve been amazed at the results.

Here’s a step-by-step process that’s helped me:

Step 1: Stop yourself when you notice you’re trying to figure out how to respond. Take a scan of your body. What sensations are you feeling? Where do you feel it in your body? Can you label the corresponding emotion(s)? For me I can feel the intense anxiety in my chest, my heart beating, a bit more light headed.

Step 2: Ask yourself ‘how does this feel familiar’ and start with the current situation and how it relates to a recent past behavior you’ve experienced in others.

Step 3: FEEL your emotions – cry, punch a pillow, clean your house. Allow the feelings to truly manifest in doing and being present in a way that’s healthy.

Step 4: Once calm, try to remember how/when this was familiar from your childhood. Once you have that deep memory, fully feel, grieve, and let go. I often imagine ‘big me’ is next to ‘little me’ as a child to protect her.

Step 5: Ask God to heal and take this burden from you. Ask for forgiveness where you feel shame. BELIEVE that God forgives and loves – by the blood of Jesus. Take your power back. God will answer you.

Lastly, Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. the steps, lots of times. The journey to healing is never easy but God’s grace will give you the knowledge and wisdom – you have not endured this for nothing. He has a purpose for your life and it is JOY!

I’ve always been a sensitive, caring, kind girl. Growing up I was the ‘caretaker’ – the one who always tried to make people feel better. Be kind, forgive, put others first, be patient…all things laid out in the book of Truth (the Bible) yet can be distorted when if we live unconsciously to the point these attributes are done in false pride. Perfectionism is a sin like any others. It’s a hard lesson to learn but you matter to God.

I didn’t grow up in the of best environments but still had a pretty cushy childhood. Never starved, always clothed. The wounds I endured cut deeper and have been harder to heal. I would have preferred physical abuse to the deep psychological and emotional wounds endured in my childhood.

I am the eldest of 4 children to 2 narcissistic parents. Yes, both of my parents were diagnosed narcissists during the long 17 years of fighting each other in divorce court. Their divorce is still the longest standing in the county where I grew up (900,000+ people) 25+ years later. Required psychological testing resulted in my mother as sociopathic and my father as narcissistic. Yikes.

But as a result, I know ALOT about narcissism and take joy in helping others. The evil all around me has not taken me down. God has healed me and turned this to good and for His glory. It’s taken me many years to get here. God’s incredible grace can bring us into the light and Jesus is the way.

Coming out of denial and into the truth of narcissistic abuse is the first step. The deep toxic shame created from childhood cripples us with agonizing fear and anxiety, ultimately leading to a defense mechanism of perfectionism and self-pride. While an abuser is toxic, our response can be just as toxic if we don’t heal it, place boundaries, and treat ourselves with the compassion we give to others.

I’ve found that forgiveness is really all about letting go and letting God. We do the best we can with the skills we’ve got at the time. And it’s OK to feel all the feelings. Let me repeat – IT IS OK TO FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL! We are flesh, living in this world and having thoughts we don’t particularly like doesn’t make us any less lovable by our Creator. The more we can admit it, acknowledge our hardships, seek comfort in safe relationships, God will work.

I love this saying – ‘sometimes it takes a breakdown to get a breakthrough’. I’ve had quite a number of breakthroughs in a short amount of time (so I’ve heard from my therapist and those I tell my story to). This is due 100% to my trust in the true Jesus Christ. Reading His word, laying my burdens and soaking in the knowledge, discernment and wisdom He freely and abundantly gives.

It’s a process and I’m certainly not done. I am not perfect and I don’t have to be. Jesus was perfect for me. I am forgiven. I am loved. I am a child of God.

I’m glad you’re here! It’s been some time in the making and I’m finally at the place “go for it, you can do it, start that blog!” I’ve come along way from the negative “you’ll look like a fool” – even though I will probably look like a fool in these postings but thanks be to God for His grace & mercy will surely cover!!

I chose the site name ‘Band of Shepherds’ for a scripture that has deeply touched my life – Isaiah 31:4-5

4 For thus the Lord said to me,
As a lion or a young lion growls over its prey,
    and—when a band of shepherds is called out against it—
is not terrified by their shouting
    or daunted at their noise,
so the Lord of hosts will come down
    to fight upon Mount Zion and upon its hill.
⁵ Like birds hovering overhead, so the Lord of hosts
    will protect Jerusalem;
he will protect and deliver it,
    he will spare and rescue it.

While in the depths of despair, hopelessness, confusion, temptation, and pain – the Lord comes. As a Lion He saves. And He saves by his Word and your personal faith but also through His shepherds who tend to the flock. Who can be wise counsel in love and generosity to help rescue His sheep.

My journey is like this – trust in our Savior and help of brothers and sisters in Christ. Through healing of my soul and renewal of my spirit. God is alive so pick up that bible, pray, ask him to take you to scripture and for an answer and just open up the book of truth – you’ll uncover your own personal version of the Bible and all the things God has in store for you. And He’ll send you shepherds to help you on this journey….

I hope to hear from you and I pray God’s guidance for this blog (yes, I need your prayers too please!! :). We’re not alone so share your story!