Month: August 2019

God has put on my heart over the last couple of months to take a strong look at the ‘remnant of Edom’ noted in several areas of scripture (Nahum, Obadiah, and Amos & the trial of Paul in Acts 24). I feel boldly there’s something here but I certainly and humbly know that I’m not perfect so my hope is to bring some context to what I’m discerning and pray this message will reach the right audience to bring some spiritual light to the darkness!

A quick study shows the ‘remnant of Edom’ is in reference to Esau, the twin brother of Jacob, son of Issac and Rebecca, grandson of Abraham and Sarah. A ton of online commentary points to some bloodline or racial origin of Easu as the bad seed vs. God’s chosen ones. This quite frankly makes my own blood boil. Jesus Christ laid down his life so we could have ours – HE PURIFIED OUR BLOOD – ALL PEOPLES!!! Our bloodline, race, mistakes, shames, sufferings are ALL covered and washed clean by the blood of Jesus. 

OK, with that out of the way, I believe Edom/Esau represents a spiritual darkness operating in the world today. Very similar to the Jezebel spirit and connected. One of the many manifested spiritual forces of narcissism.

To me, this spiritual Edom influence is behind the toxic masculine energy of the “hunt”. The desire to compete, win, control and dominate. Esau was the hunter in his family. His envy of his brother led him to want to kill him. This spiritual influence I believe is somehow connected to the violence in TV/video games and the obsession with sex as a power symbol – pornography in particular as a huge open door to darkness.

Personally, pornography terrifies me. My deep wounds from childhood sexual abuse just didn’t make it something I could stomach. On the flip-side, there is escaping to pornography to heal. Interestingly, the breakdown of my marriage was largely propagated by the porn & sex addiction of my now ex-husband. The “irony” in it all is that most of his videos were of anal penetration and this was the way I was sexually abused at the age of 6. Coincidental? Nope. We subconsciously attract others who harbor our deepest wounds …perhaps God’s way to try and heal us from the past.

This is how the narcissist/empath attract each other. Same wounds, opposite outcome. The narcissist is your mirror, your opposite. Both toxic behaviors that God hopes to heal in us.

Bringing darkness to light will change us. Jesus will heal if we allow him. It is not a myth that 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 12 boys will be sexually abused by the time they turn 18. Very sad, and very real. But most people just can’t handle talking about it so we go about our lives carrying these burdens subconsciously which creates suffering. Perhaps when God opens your eyes & ears, gives you wisdom beyond understanding, you’ll see….

But most of us keep things surface level. We pray for one another. We keep our lives as cushy as possible. We believe we’re good people. But even Jacob, God’s chosen one, had to succumb to his own malevolence and needed forgiveness from the Father when his greed led him to take Esau’s birthright.

LOVE ME he says and keep my commandments ~ “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” ~John 14:15. Loving him is the prerequisite. It’s how we can actually follow his commandants. Sanctification is a life-long process and true repentance changes the heart. Could this spiritual Esau be the temporal, theological, even legalistic presence in today’s church vs. the true Holy Spirit guidance and indwelling in a what we call a ‘born-again believer’?

I’ve think I’ve experienced and felt this type of spiritual Easu in some of these ways:

• Concerned with the “now” – difficulty exhibiting true patience and ability to wait on the Lord to reap at harvest time
• Procrastination to stay ‘in control of their destiny’ – avoidance behavior
• An appearance of repentance but largely rooted in self-pride, a victim mentality vs. taking responsibility for own sin
• The expression of ‘truth in love’ is often aggressive (deflecting, blaming, justifying or ‘one-upping’) or passive aggressive (stonewalling, apology feels fake, forgetfulness as a means to hurt the other, withholding information/affection/communication). 
• Remains stuck in bitterness from life’s hardships & betrayals – still haven’t fully forgiven their betrayers which has kept their hearts hard and consumed by self-pity and bitterness.

Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!!! To God be the GLORY!!! XOXO 🙂

Reconditioning your mind and healing your soul after narcissistic abuse is an incredible journey. It’s not easy. In fact, the awaking is so very painful.

Living your life brainwashed to meet the needs of others is often a childhood learned response/response to the fear you’ve held from long ago. Psychologists are more and more researching the effect of childhood trauma on our relationships.

I’ve found as a spiritually sensitive person that I’m easily manipulated when triggered by fear. This was conditioned in a way from my childhood but also I believe that the depth of feeling in us sensitives makes it hard to feel or be understood by others and this can be especially with our family of origin (a great book recommendation on this subject is The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller).

When my thoughts start to overwhelm me and I go in a thousand different directions, it’s a reminder to say STOP and to bring myself back into my body and out of my mind. I had to learn this. I didn’t cry for wrongdoings done to me for over 10 years. I am 35 years old. Cutting off feeling was easier to survive and is what our body naturally does when faced with trauma. We can naturally ‘leave our body’ (clinical term is to disassociate) in order to bear the abuse as a defense mechanism and live in a state of cognitive dissonance.

I’ve learned when triggered that most things in life do not require an immediate response. Put the phone down – you don’t have to respond right away. Move away from researching ‘why does my ex narc do X, Y, Z?’. While education and reading to understand the pathology of unhealthy narcissism is critical, the more we can take a be still, call on God, feel, and trust the answer He gives us, I’ve been amazed at the results.

Here’s a step-by-step process that’s helped me:

Step 1: Stop yourself when you notice you’re trying to figure out how to respond. Take a scan of your body. What sensations are you feeling? Where do you feel it in your body? Can you label the corresponding emotion(s)? For me I can feel the intense anxiety in my chest, my heart beating, a bit more light headed.

Step 2: Ask yourself ‘how does this feel familiar’ and start with the current situation and how it relates to a recent past behavior you’ve experienced in others.

Step 3: FEEL your emotions – cry, punch a pillow, clean your house. Allow the feelings to truly manifest in doing and being present in a way that’s healthy.

Step 4: Once calm, try to remember how/when this was familiar from your childhood. Once you have that deep memory, fully feel, grieve, and let go. I often imagine ‘big me’ is next to ‘little me’ as a child to protect her.

Step 5: Ask God to heal and take this burden from you. Ask for forgiveness where you feel shame. BELIEVE that God forgives and loves – by the blood of Jesus. Take your power back. God will answer you.

Lastly, Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. the steps, lots of times. The journey to healing is never easy but God’s grace will give you the knowledge and wisdom – you have not endured this for nothing. He has a purpose for your life and it is JOY!