I’ve always been a sensitive, caring, kind girl. Growing up I was the ‘caretaker’ – the one who always tried to make people feel better. Be kind, forgive, put others first, be patient…all things laid out in the book of Truth (the Bible) yet can be distorted when if we live unconsciously to the point these attributes are done in false pride. Perfectionism is a sin like any others. It’s a hard lesson to learn but you matter to God.
I didn’t grow up in the of best environments but still had a pretty cushy childhood. Never starved, always clothed. The wounds I endured cut deeper and have been harder to heal. I would have preferred physical abuse to the deep psychological and emotional wounds endured in my childhood.
I am the eldest of 4 children to 2 narcissistic parents. Yes, both of my parents were diagnosed narcissists during the long 17 years of fighting each other in divorce court. Their divorce is still the longest standing in the county where I grew up (900,000+ people) 25+ years later. Required psychological testing resulted in my mother as sociopathic and my father as narcissistic. Yikes.
But as a result, I know ALOT about narcissism and take joy in helping others. The evil all around me has not taken me down. God has healed me and turned this to good and for His glory. It’s taken me many years to get here. God’s incredible grace can bring us into the light and Jesus is the way.
Coming out of denial and into the truth of narcissistic abuse is the first step. The deep toxic shame created from childhood cripples us with agonizing fear and anxiety, ultimately leading to a defense mechanism of perfectionism and self-pride. While an abuser is toxic, our response can be just as toxic if we don’t heal it, place boundaries, and treat ourselves with the compassion we give to others.
I’ve found that forgiveness is really all about letting go and letting God. We do the best we can with the skills we’ve got at the time. And it’s OK to feel all the feelings. Let me repeat – IT IS OK TO FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL! We are flesh, living in this world and having thoughts we don’t particularly like doesn’t make us any less lovable by our Creator. The more we can admit it, acknowledge our hardships, seek comfort in safe relationships, God will work.
I love this saying – ‘sometimes it takes a breakdown to get a breakthrough’. I’ve had quite a number of breakthroughs in a short amount of time (so I’ve heard from my therapist and those I tell my story to). This is due 100% to my trust in the true Jesus Christ. Reading His word, laying my burdens and soaking in the knowledge, discernment and wisdom He freely and abundantly gives.
It’s a process and I’m certainly not done. I am not perfect and I don’t have to be. Jesus was perfect for me. I am forgiven. I am loved. I am a child of God.