Reconditioning your mind and healing your soul after narcissistic abuse is an incredible journey. It’s not easy. In fact, the awaking is so very painful.
Living your life brainwashed to meet the needs of others is often a childhood learned response/response to the fear you’ve held from long ago. Psychologists are more and more researching the effect of childhood trauma on our relationships.
I’ve found as a spiritually sensitive person that I’m easily manipulated when triggered by fear. This was conditioned in a way from my childhood but also I believe that the depth of feeling in us sensitives makes it hard to feel or be understood by others and this can be especially with our family of origin (a great book recommendation on this subject is The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller).
When my thoughts start to overwhelm me and I go in a thousand different directions, it’s a reminder to say STOP and to bring myself back into my body and out of my mind. I had to learn this. I didn’t cry for wrongdoings done to me for over 10 years. I am 35 years old. Cutting off feeling was easier to survive and is what our body naturally does when faced with trauma. We can naturally ‘leave our body’ (clinical term is to disassociate) in order to bear the abuse as a defense mechanism and live in a state of cognitive dissonance.
I’ve learned when triggered that most things in life do not require an immediate response. Put the phone down – you don’t have to respond right away. Move away from researching ‘why does my ex narc do X, Y, Z?’. While education and reading to understand the pathology of unhealthy narcissism is critical, the more we can take a be still, call on God, feel, and trust the answer He gives us, I’ve been amazed at the results.
Here’s a step-by-step process that’s helped me:
Step 1: Stop yourself when you notice you’re trying to figure out how to respond. Take a scan of your body. What sensations are you feeling? Where do you feel it in your body? Can you label the corresponding emotion(s)? For me I can feel the intense anxiety in my chest, my heart beating, a bit more light headed.
Step 2: Ask yourself ‘how does this feel familiar’ and start with the current situation and how it relates to a recent past behavior you’ve experienced in others.
Step 3: FEEL your emotions – cry, punch a pillow, clean your house. Allow the feelings to truly manifest in doing and being present in a way that’s healthy.
Step 4: Once calm, try to remember how/when this was familiar from your childhood. Once you have that deep memory, fully feel, grieve, and let go. I often imagine ‘big me’ is next to ‘little me’ as a child to protect her.
Step 5: Ask God to heal and take this burden from you. Ask for forgiveness where you feel shame. BELIEVE that God forgives and loves – by the blood of Jesus. Take your power back. God will answer you.
Lastly, Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. the steps, lots of times. The journey to healing is never easy but God’s grace will give you the knowledge and wisdom – you have not endured this for nothing. He has a purpose for your life and it is JOY!